This journal entry comes from October 28, 2009 @ 2:45 PM:
They say that he won't put on you more than you can bare. Yet, I complain like my life is unbearable. I love people, I love myself, I love God, but I don't love where i am . I really don't know how to apply all of my knowledge to help me. My inconsistence is becoming my downfall, and I don't know how to break this one habit that is hurting the breakinf of my many bad habits. Yet, I am trying again. i will be successful. I will have what I want and need out of life. This is hard, but I know it has to happen. Today, begins a new planand a new beginning. This book will remain with me and I will stick to my plans. When or if I don't, my life will follow through with consequences. Today, I complained and somehow Xi Dang ( a little Asian lady) felt compelled to come to me. She asked me for help and now she wants a job. I need help and a job. However, I told her that I will do what I can to help her. Lord, help me help her despite my sorrow.
I remember this day, I was very down. When this lady came to me, I was very willing to help her. I did well in making moves until I realized she needed more than just help. At that time in my life, I had so much I had to focus on and very little time. I helped her for as long as I could, but ended up having to let her be. I lead her to the water, but I couldn't do much more because she became emotionally attached. She was over 60 and didn't want to stay at home, she wanted to work. Her family had abandoned her and after working with her as much as I could....I too had to abandon her. It's important to understand that helping people is a a good thing, but when you are drowning and can hardly swim yourself.....you must survive. I couldn't give her al she wanted. I did what she initially asked, but the rest I couldn't do. Let me paint you a picture. I saw her out at sea drowning and I jump out to help and save her even though I could hardly swim. I grab her and keep her head above water as I try to get both of us to dry ground, but instead of that being enough she wants to ride my back. She turns and jumps on my back as I try to paddle and the weight of her interrupts my stride and pushes my head under water. This causes me to have a panic attack because I am no longer in control of the situation. So, I realize we are close to the surface and knock her off my back as I cough up the water I swallowed. She can stand if she tries to, but if she still thinks she is in deep water and never attempts to place her feet on solid ground, she will drown.
That's how it happened and I still don't know how she is. I don't feel bad about it because I did more than anyone would have done. Many grown people have held on to the rule of not talking to strangers in the first place. In that alone, I have done more to help than anyone would have. So, I guess my point is. Help others, but don't put yourself under trying to help the next person. If you do, don't turn around and list your woes or purposefully blame that person for your downfall. When you are on the airplane, help yourself don the gasmask first, and then help the person that didn't listen or look at the flight attendant during the brief. No grammar check, so you know what it is.
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