Sophia, Sophia...where art thou?

So back when I was small and in the back of my parent's Cadillac or Lincoln Towncar. I think they had both of those cars when I was little and I hated one of them with a passion. Anyways, I remember always talking about an invisible friend named Sophia. I use to do it for my entertainment and then once my parents played along with me I felt more inclined to keep Sophia alive to keep them entertained as well. I was entertaining myself watching them amazed at how I would react to a person that really didn't exist. I was hoping for them to wonder if I really saw someone but as I got older, Sophia kind of sucked. I would forget about her and close her in the door and my parents would bring her up from time to time long after the lifeless, stubborn, rude, and invisible friend was dead to me. Sophia was the type of friend that kept me company and who I had to talk to when my mother told me to sit back and be quiet. The backseat was huge and I had to find someone to share it with and talk to. Sophia was my escape to say something when there was nothing else to be said or no one would listen. I recently thought of her and felt like looking her name up to see what she meant. I never knew or met anyone named Sophia. My dad use to ask me where I got the name from and I had no idea. However, the fact that her memory comes to me, it makes me wonder. Sophia means "wisdom" in Greek and has the theological concept of having "wisdom of God". I find this so important because my father and I discussed life application according to the Bible a few weeks ago. I told my dad what I really wanted and felt I needed in my life. I am not getting any younger.

I don't tell my dad much but he is one that embraces God's wisdom and may not be living in my world, but can identify what my world may be like through what he has learned in his studies. He really talked to me about the Bible and what I need to be doing and that although the instructions of the Bible may be ancient and seem not to apply in this changing world, it is still beyond relevant. I don't have any resolutions going into 2011. However, I know that in order for my future groom to find me, I need to get something inside of me that a virtuous woman needs and that's my invisible friend "Sophia". The one thing that I knew was there but no one could see. I need the "wisdom of God" and his armor to shield me. All these other things that I desire will come me, but I need to make sure that I prove myself to the man that sees the God in me. I thank God for the memory of "Sophia". The invisible childhood friend has given me and adult moment of clarity.

Motivation

I think I've read a few things about motivation but I am still looking hard inside myself to maintain it. Motivation is a great concept when you have a plan and you are working through it, but high expectations or any expectations that are not met during your measurement of work accomplished can throw you off. I am thrown off. I know how much work I have done and the results let me know that I need to work harder. What most people are finding to be easy, I am finding it to be rather difficult. I am not complaining but I have been in small crying spells for the last two months. I have moments of doubt and even when I work on my personal development, I have failed to follow through with my plans. I am very upset about my behavior, but I am not giving up.

Dreams

One thing that I love is Fleetwood Mac's "Dreams". I think that we all have a place in our hearts to love and I love the way this song speaks on freedom. Free from the pain and discipline that focusing on one person can bring. If you love, you will endure some type of pain. I can't tell you what types come with each person you deal with, but it's true. It just depends on what type of pain you are willing to accept. What kind of pain will you endure because of your love? You have to decide. I decide as it comes. When I listen to "Dreams" alone, I wonder why they named the song that word. Is it that the person was in a relationship and dreamed to be alone? They want you to look back at what you had and what you lost. I think I can look back and say with every good thing I lost, I also lost a heap of bad things. It just depends on what you want to look back for. Are you going to take an optimistic approach and be glad you removed yourself from such ridiculous situations or are you going to be pessimistic about it and say you should have stayed. I have done a little bit of both and decided that where I am is where I am meant to be. If it wasn't so then I would still be in those relationships. I think so. Your peeves, your habits, your routines, and every inch of you will be challenged with space. As it gets more serious, their life will intertwine with yours and the selfish part of you has to die. Who is worth you tucking away and adjusting these things for love? From the beginning, work hard to be you and it will be easier to decide. Less time will be wasted if you be honest and look at how you and that person operates together. You should try this song out when you are alone and feel like you want out or in of potential love. It reminds you to listen to your heart.

Ecclesiastes 2

I read Ecclesiastes 2 this morning and I am a fan of the King James Version, but I had to have it translated to me in other ways. Technology is so great in this sense. I don't have to buy the different variations of the Bible because it is all online. I didn't understand any of it at first and I guess it was a great thing that I read the whole passage. I would have crushed my dreams of moving toward success if I would have taken a different action. The beginning talked about how the writer worked hard and gained everything he wanted in life, including knowledge and money. However, he had a negative view of it all, calling it "vexation of spirit". I read on and at the end he spoke that he realized that all of this is possible through God and that if he (God) is truly happy with you, he will give it you. Yet, if he isn't he will make sure its not something that you are blessed with or take from you all that you have gained. I wonder how that feels? I wonder how do you know if God is truly happy with what you do? What is enough? Is that something that you can put a cap on? Did I read this correctly? That is what is on my mind today.....Is God happy with me? Is my relationship good enough? Of course he has been nothing but good to me, but is he happy enough with me to give me the strength to take my life to the level that I want to move to?

Documenting an Old Journal Entry

This journal entry comes from October 28, 2009 @ 2:45 PM:

They say that he won't put on you more than you can bare. Yet, I complain like my life is unbearable. I love people, I love myself, I love God, but I don't love where i am . I really don't know how to apply all of my knowledge to help me. My inconsistence is becoming my downfall, and I don't know how to break this one habit that is hurting the breakinf of my many bad habits. Yet, I am trying again. i will be successful. I will have what I want and need out of life. This is hard, but I know it has to happen. Today, begins a new planand a new beginning. This book will remain with me and I will stick to my plans. When or if I don't, my life will follow through with consequences. Today, I complained and somehow Xi Dang ( a little Asian lady) felt compelled to come to me. She asked me for help and now she wants a job. I need help and a job. However, I told her that I will do what I can to help her. Lord, help me help her despite my sorrow.


I remember this day, I was very down. When this lady came to me, I was very willing to help her. I did well in making moves until I realized she needed more than just help. At that time in my life, I had so much I had to focus on and very little time. I helped her for as long as I could, but ended up having to let her be. I lead her to the water, but I couldn't do much more because she became emotionally attached. She was over 60 and didn't want to stay at home, she wanted to work. Her family had abandoned her and after working with her as much as I could....I too had to abandon her. It's important to understand that helping people is a a good thing, but when you are drowning and can hardly swim yourself.....you must survive. I couldn't give her al she wanted. I did what she initially asked, but the rest I couldn't do. Let me paint you a picture. I saw her out at sea drowning and I jump out to help and save her even though I could hardly swim. I grab her and keep her head above water as I try to get both of us to dry ground, but instead of that being enough she wants to ride my back. She turns and jumps on my back as I try to paddle and the weight of her interrupts my stride and pushes my head under water. This causes me to have a panic attack because I am no longer in control of the situation. So, I realize we are close to the surface and knock her off my back as I cough up the water I swallowed. She can stand if she tries to, but if she still thinks she is in deep water and never attempts to place her feet on solid ground, she will drown.


That's how it happened and I still don't know how she is. I don't feel bad about it because I did more than anyone would have done. Many grown people have held on to the rule of not talking to strangers in the first place. In that alone, I have done more to help than anyone would have. So, I guess my point is. Help others, but don't put yourself under trying to help the next person. If you do, don't turn around and list your woes or purposefully blame that person for your downfall. When you are on the airplane, help yourself don the gasmask first, and then help the person that didn't listen or look at the flight attendant during the brief. No grammar check, so you know what it is.

It's What I Do

I am so tired of politics in the United States that I will save my money and move somewhere that I can have peace. With all of the prophesies manifesting, I don't know where that will be. I just know that I am destined for greatness. I know because everything keeps coming back to me and I am in a season of discontent. I am mad at everything and I am looking for solutions to the things that I can change because I don't want my future to offer the same thing that the present time is. My present time is full of blessing but I think that I can perform beyond what God has blessed me with already. I feel as if I can do so much more and I have done so much to take action in my life lately and I am starting to see that I need to work harder than I ever have before. There is no such thing as smooth sailing in life and I have to get over that. I was put in this world and I didn't make it. Many of us have the misconception that having time and money freedom is evil. Some of us think that the rich are lazy. To accomplish greatnesss, it takes a firm belief in God (or whatever some of them believe in), a firm belief that God gave them the power to take control of their lives, consistency, great habits, and a burning desire. Which one of these do you have? Which one of these do I lack? I have to focus on the part of these things that hold me back. It may be the inconsistency or it may be the moments when I feel like I am better off giving up on my hopes and dreams. From the day I was born, I have been here for a purpose. God put me here to accomplish something and I have to be honest with myself about what God has done for me. I never fit in and it was something that bothered me for so long. Now, I see that I don't havet fit in and that I don't care about fitting in. I care about being who I was destined to be. Sorry, I am not proofreading right now....this is a simple spill. So sorry for the bad grammar and misspelled words.

A Shot

It's like a shot of pain but sometimes I can feel success shooting through my vains
The more moves I make, so impulsive, so explosive
I feel like God is shining on me the faith of many greats
Yet, I may not always move or do what I suppose to do
I am human and in this life it's all show and prove
I hope my belief is infectious. I hope my belief is something that many want for me
However, if it's not...no matter what..what God has for, it is for me
I am fighting with who I am and trying to get to who I suppose to be
Not trying to look back at what others oppose of me
My life has always been outside the box, even when it seemed like I was in
I was still out from within, I gotta move and I can taste life in its sweetness
Such a deep fantasy, its the deepest and it seems so like reality and that's what I want it to be
And it will be that, for he has given me a shot to be all I can be
Sky is the limit and this life isn't infinite so my time is ticking...
With all the faith and no works it's like the end before I begin
I have this shot and God, soon I will be what I am not.....
Your greatness, your love
I should be shooting not to fail, because you gave me a shot

By Dannica Smith

Venue, Venue, Venue

Lord knows I am trying to get this business set-up. I haven't really shared to my friends how much money I have been putting into this. Today, I have nothing but a quarter tank of gas or less in my car to drive around and do what I need to do. It's Monday and its like my week is over before it gets started because I really don't have any cash in either of my bank accounts or savings. I am at ZERO. When I say that I am putting my all into this, I am not lying. I was very excited after brainstorming about my weight loss challenge this weekend. I set the date as I was told and now I am suppose to make things happen. I had my eyes set on the Solarium. It is a beautiful spot in the Oakhurst community. I love the way it looks so much and it just fits in with the ambience of me. The building was made for what I wanted, yet it will take weeks for me to convince them of the program I am creating. I woke up early, prepared a powerpoint and thought that I would knock this out of the water. I need a free venue. 12 weeks is a long time to be dishing money out. Money that I currently don't have. After an enlightening conversation, I was let down and didn't get the reaction I wanted. I didn't get what I wanted from the young lady. However, I did get some tips. I say, "they may be million dollar tips" that will help me as I work on this. I had to write this out to say how I feel because I really do lift myself up so much that when reality kicks in, it brings me down. I would have done some improv driving, that is what I wanted to do, but I could only turn around and go home with my tiny tank of gas. So, I come back and I work some other aspects of my business. Before I can get into that, I need to do some inspiration. Tell you more later.

A Tough Day

You know sometimes you can listen to some inspiration, listen to some music, get upbeat and still fail. Today was one of those days when I called myself getting to work. I listened to Jim Rohn talk about dreams and I know I need to spend more time dreaming and writing goals. I have really been working on this. Of course this is the beginning and here is my obstacle. I never did like rejection, but its something that I have to go through to get where I am going. God bless me, God bless my soul. I know that he will provide me with all that I need to to succeed because I believe in him and him in me. I must move forward with what I need to do to take myself to the next level. I can't focus on what has failed so far, but move on to the next things. I can't even call my recent prospects as failed because nothing has happened yet. God bless my soul because I only want to change my life and change their lives along the way. I believe in miracles, I believe in God, and I believe in me.

The Conviction of Joseph (Genesis)

Joseph was a handsome son and favorited by his father. His brothers decided to sell him. He ended up with a master who really admired him and so did his wife. She admired him som much that she wanted to sleep with him. Joseph didn't want to have sex with her. She found the opportunity to take of his clothes and attempt to sleep with him. She lied and said that he tried her after he ran away from her. I can imagine the great deal of temptation for him. I look at the way men and women think today and I think of the cliche that "there is nothing new under the sun." People still lie because they didn't get what they want. Even in the slave days we had black men lied on for so-called raping white women. Yet, black women were easily sexually satisfying to masters. Who could they tell? The black men were oppressed. I find it interesting that after the wife didn't receive what she wanted, she became that angry. God saw Joseph resist the temptation of the temptress and stayed near him through his imprisonment.

Caught Between a Dream and A Job

I really need to finish this book so that I can return it to its rightful owner. Yet, I tread along slowly. Tonight I will attempt to get a nice hefty amount done with the help of blogging. I think I read better if I act like I am helping someone else along with myself. Since I can't tell if anyone ever reads my blog, I guess that its not really a confirmed fulfillment, but it works. I noticed something he said and while working on going in on Herbalife it made sense.

"We can either exist efficiently or live abundantly. Both choices have a price tag on them. The price for existing efficiently is that you tend to lead a very shallow, empty, and fustrated life far below your potential and your privilege. The cost of living abundantly is that you must get out all that lies within you and become the person that you have always wanted to be, not only for yourself but also for the benefit of other in this world. " Delatorro McNeal II

I can't even say nothing behind this...profound!

Kay Arthur's Lord, Teach Me to Pray in 28 Days Part 2

Day 2 of this book mentioned the powerful prayer of Elijah that stopped rain for 3 and a half years. It described him as an ordinary man. Which mentally, its not hard to be an ordinary man and pray, but once it said he prayed and got the rain to stop for over 3 years it seemed impossible to reach for someone like me.

The next thing mentioned was how Jesus told a story of how if you went into midnight asking a friend for three loaves because you didn't have any for someone visiting you. The friend would mentally say no, because they are sleeping and its late. Their action would be to give you all that you need because you were persistant enough to get it. I think Jesus use this illustration and explained asking in persistance, because it shows how we react to his works. Finding what you seek, asking and receiving. Some things we don't receive because we don't ask or we don't believe. Do we really want what we are asking for? I really understand this but the questions i have come with, does this really work? Isn't it God's will that matters, even if we ask? It's ultimately God's decision. So how does this ask and receive work if it's not his will? I am working hard to lean not to my own understanding. So I will keep this question in mind and as I learn to pray, I think God will give me the answer. I know that it is in his will for me to learn.

Lord, Teach Me How To Pray in 28 Days by Kay Arthur

Dear Lord,

I need to be closer to you and I need to work within your will. Please forgive me for my sins. I know I ask for this so often, but I am working on getting to hardly asking and not asking for forgiveness for the same things. Lord, thank you for another day, another dollar, and another chance. I surrender my family, my friends, and my life in your hands that we may do your will.


Love,
Your Child

Caught Between A Dream and A Job Part II

In Chapter 1, Delatorro spoke of all hopes to see happen for when I finish reading this book or as he says, when I am "there". "When you consider the subtitle of this book in terms of stepping into the life you've always wanted, what do you see?

I see happiness, joy, and love. I see a sense of not having to worry about the financial aspect of my life. I have time freedom to enhance my relationship with God, my family, my friends, and I can learn and travel the world. That is what I see. I don't think life will be completely perfect, but it will be better than what it is now. That is what I envision. The next question was:

"How do you define success? Go ahead. Tell me. What does success mean to you? Success means, enhancing the life of my family. Having a plan and sticking to it no matter what. Success is being focused and reaching what you have focused on for so long. I have yet to accomplish success because I measure it on having the time to do whatever I want, when I want and not being the person to answer to someone at a job.

The Master in the Art of Living quoete by James A. Michener was also mentioned. Google it.

What does that quote mean to me? You should love what you're doing and it should give you what you need!

So, in the middle of Chapter One, I can say that I became a little fustrated. I don't know what I am looking for. I know my there, but I can't see how to get "there". My talent? Where is it? What can I do that I love that I can get paid for? I don't know. I just don't know. I love to do many things and all of it consumes my money. I don't understand. I had to take a break. I will continue later.

Caught Between a Dream and a Job Part 1

I am about to read this book so to keep things interesting I will write about what I am reading as I read. I like to share with you what I experience and perhaps you would like to get this lovely book by Delatorro McNeal II. In my introduction this book asked me this: "Why are you reading this book? Please write your response in the space below."

I am reading this book because I am caught between a job and a dream to not have one. I don't want a job, I want to be free. However, being free requires me to need money. I want to be free to travel and see my family. I want to be free to do whatever I please. However, I haven't found my niche in life. I really don't even know what I like to do. I like to be free and I just don't think I can get paid for doing such a thing. Yet this is the answer I give Mr. McNeal. I wonder what his reaction would be .

Funny thing is, he did mention freedom after I gave the answer. He acts as a coach in this book, a coach that promotes freedom.

His introduction is wonderful. I guess I can move on to Chapter 1.

Coexisting Relationships and Freedom

I love my freedom. I say again, I love my freedom. Why? Its in my free-spirited life. Although this is true, I don't see this being something that a relationship will allow.

being in any kind of relationship neccesarily means giving another person some degree of power over one-less so in casual friendships, and much more in intimate, loving relationships. It seems to me that knowing that helps a person evaluate the types and scope of power given to another; and that in turn helps ensure that power-that trust-isn't misplaced. -Sunni from www.sunnimaravillosa.com/node/1045

It honestly has nothing to do with anything, but I love my freedom. I can't seem to express myself about it. I can't even really finish this entry, because I really don't know where to go with what I want to say.

Clutter:Free Your Mind

My mind has yet to be free but today starts the de-clutter. Day 1, its official. I am trying to figure out what I am going to do with all these things. So I started a morning ritual which I will do every morning. This isn't part of de-clutter but a habit I am developing to use and keep when I am finished emptying my place. So, there are things that I need and things that I don't need. I need to figure out what is what. I am going to start with the bathroom and then I will go from there. My bathroom has a million nick nacks. Some I use and some I don't. Either way. These things must leave. I don't want to throw them away, so I am trying to be creative. I will let you know what happens.

Habits and Change

You know, I am the most disorganized person I know. Starting tommorow I am turning over a new leaf. No more clutter. No more clutter. No more clutter. You know why I am 27 and disorganized? I am because I have too many things that I don't need. Some cheap and worthless, some expensive(but somehow its worthless because I could care less bout it), and just stuff that I didnt rationalize and think about. I am not starting a new leaf later. I am startin a new leaf now. I have done this a million times but this time I think different about this thing. I think that I need to reall get a hold of this and actually clean out Eccentrik Queen's Kloset. Dannica Smith's Closet. I need a clean closet. Why do all I have all of these things? Do I really need all of these things? NO NO NO. God is going to help me get rid of these things so that I can find out what I want. Maybe I dont have a mand or can't mentally focus on things I need to do because I have too much clutter. I can't even see myself with anyone because I have so much to do to help myself. I have this facade and I may not mean to have it but its there. The honest truth about me always comes out if you ask me, but I really been thinking. My ex pulled out this book of all of his dreams the other day. Wow! I was impressed but I acted as if I wasn't. I did that because I was so jealous. I was so jealous because he knew exactly what he wanted, no matter how big or how small. I was also on that list. However, I don't think I should be because I don't have a list. I don't know what I want. My brain is cluttered. I can't think. I just don't know what to do. I think I do, but really I don't. I think I need to get rid of everything that I have and start all over again. I need to raise money to get main things and focus on them. I am not even going to proofread this because of all the clutter it may cause in my brain. Starting tommorow, I release myself from the bother of clutter, in hope that I get somewhere in life and know what I want. I just can't think with all of this stuff.

Let's Get It!

I put together some things that I was going to take to TN, but trying to figure out when I am going. Hmmmmm.....I need to figure out when I am going to do alot of things. It gets rough when you put yourself to the test over and over again with some problems. Yet, I know that I will adjust each try. It's all about getting closer to my dreams. My love life can't get in the way no time soon, because I honestly can say that I don't have one. I honestly think that I am going to miss my mark and not be able to have the kids that I want to have. Probably be married when I am like 50 or will I even get married? Seems, men want to wait until the very last second to get married....then they want to pick some young spring chicken that honestly knows nothing about life, but happy to catch a man in this crazy world. No more blogging for today....I fell off into the deep end. It happened so fast.

That Thing You Do

I am not known to be shy, but at times I can meet someone that causes me to go into a shell. It's crazy because I am good at being around people but it's hard when I am in marked territories. Unmarked territory is fair game for me and that is why I always want to be outside somewhere when meeting or dealing with people. My place is also a great place because I can chill out and have fun however I want. It's always cool to kick it and be in control. I guess with him, the guy I finally met, it was more of a manly thing. He is such a man. I mean, what man isn't a man? I know you are asking. You know how Alicia Keys says, "A real woman knows a real man when she sees him" and vice versa, that was the kind of feeling I had. He gave me a hug and it just made me feel so womanly, so I crawled into my shell. It's going to be some trouble for him when I crawl back out of it. That's my middle name, trouble. ( :

Learning......My Rules of Love

Some things I learned in my past relationships.

1. I can't make you love me if you don't, I can't make you pretend to love me, I can't make you do anything. For sho'

2. Love, it's different. I said it and thought I meant it, but I am not with him, so I guess I loved him in a way that had nothing to do with the relationship.

3. The only love you can depend on is God's Love.

A New Season!

I have so much to focus on right now. It is a new season coming into my life and it feels so good because it is positive. I am free-spirited and postive right now. I have gained new ideas and the next big idea is going to be something that I will focus on and stick to. This will take plenty of work but I know that I will succeed. The concept makes me think of my relationships and friends. I can't explain it all at the moment but I feel very excited. I would tell you more but I think you can wait.

I'm BACK! FIRST BLUNDER OF 2010!

What's up? I am back on the scene and my favorite color is green. Well, it seems like every June I get inspired to write or around this time. Well, Eccentrik Queen's Kloset is still a dream, but not exactly a dream delayed anymore. My friend from TN called me the other day and asked me to revive my line in her store. I told her I would and now I am just inspired to start back with all of the work that I was producing in the first place. Hopefully I stay focused this time. Life is a box of random flowers. Some grow to be beautiful, some grow to be plain, and some just don't live to their potential. In the end, they all die. Ok, so I am back now and I can talk about a few things that I want to speak on. First, I am very irritated with gas prices and I don't see why no one else is upset. Why? Because it was worst than this when I was in Iraq? I am still peeved. The Benz is eating me alive. Luxury cars need luxury gas. Next, relationships and sex for me is just a bad subject. I am trying to refrain from this whole sex thing, but the relationship thing is rough. I may even dance around sex, but I really dont plan on falling in. My body does, so I tend to get the urge to express it......I don't know. As far as relationships, I just can't get the man I am interested in to be interested in me. I went to Match.com and saw the biggest potential of a man and it's like the worst for me because he sees nothing in me. He may be interested in some physical play, but he doesn't want much else. Honestly! I am thinking about ending my try on Match. My subscription is until September, but I just dont see nothing coming out of that. Next, I have the dinero ready to start the Queen's Kloset back up in TN and I have been really working hard to get started. I think by next month I will have everything set up. It's great to have someone that is ready for you to succeed. I just wish I had a close male friend to share ideas with. He dont have to be all boyfriendy, just be a good friend. Sigh! I will try to get blogging again, just give me some time. I think this may help me with the stress I am having.